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Y’know, I’m really happy with the world as it is and the wonderful politicians we have in Washington. They really know how to make things work. Forgive me if I may be mistaken, but this Jobs Bill (I refuse to call it a stimulus or bailout) to the tune of $789 billion is absolutely wonderful. I was actually getting worried that Barack Obama might forget that he was following in the line of absolutely mindless leadership…that the Congress might not live up to their stature of tax and spend liberals…that the imperial march to world supremacy would somehow falter…

Thank God! Everything is as it’s supposed to be.

Now I may be a little nearsighted. But I was born in 1980. That means I’ve just earned my 6th President. And it looks like he’ll fit in nicely with Reagan, Bush, Clinton and Bush (I’ll not comment on Carter).

It’s absolutely fabulous that Obama and Washington, Inc. are about to do the same thing that was done to me by the 80s and 90s leadership: screw the next generation to save it.

Our fearless actor, Ronald “um I forget…oh yeah” Reagan was a great president. His theory of Voodoo-economics really helped us all out. He walked into office and decided to launch the biggest tax cut in history entitled the Economic Recovery Tax Act of 1981, dropping the personal tax rate in the upper bracket from 70 percent to 28 percent. The following year, unemployment reached 10.7 percent – the highest since World War II. That’s sweet. After that, he just kinda coasted through the rest of his presidency watching as the federal tax receipts ballooned from $517 billion to $1032 billion. The national debt increased from 26 percent to 41 percent of GDP. That’s unsustainable. But Reagan did his job. The rich got richer and the kids got to pay for it.

He left office when I was 9.

George H.W. Bush pretty much just tried to put a band-aid on all of that. He dealt with a Savings and Loan debacle that cost the country $160 billion and inched that GIGANTIC tax cut Reagan gave the super-rich up by 5 percent. And launched a couple media campaigns some people like to call wars. Chump change. It was kind of like Evil Dead. Shitty movie but for some reason you knew you were gonna get a sequel that was gonna be bigger. (That’s called foreshadowing).

I was 12.

William “Call Me Daddy” Jefferson “Who’s Your Daddy” Clinton slid into power as a Democrat in Name Only. He attempted to fix the budget crisis through a series of completely pointless legislative acts. The Omnibus Budget Reconciliation Act of 1993 cut government spending and raised the top personal income tax bracket by a whopping 8.6 percent. (For those of you keeping track the ultra-wealthy still have a net gain of 30.4 percent knocked off. Stay tuned.) But none of that really mattered because Clinton was ACTUALLY A FUCKING REPUBLICAN and cut capital gains tax from 28 percent to 10 percent with the Taxpayer Relief Act of 1997 (The funny thing about the title for this law is that it gave no taxpayers relief – it just let the rich keep more of their money…again.) The really brilliant thing about Clinton is that he left office with a surplus in the budget – according to one set of books he released to the public. There was also the real receipts of the U.S. financial records that showed were now up to $5.3 trillion in national debt.

I was 20 when he left office.

And then George “Tiberius without the Torture” W. “OK, with the Torture” Bush, the son of a president and one of the wealthiest families in America somehow convinced slightly less than half the country that he was a Washington outsider and should be President. This almost worked except he lost the election. So he pulled his “I’M A FUCKING REPUBLICAN” card and Al Gore was magically changed into a Nobel Prize Winner instead of President. Bush 2.0 passed the Economic Growth and Tax Relief Reconciliation Act of 2001. (Don’t be fooled it has nothing to do with economic growth, tax relief or reconciliation.) This increased the exemption amount for the individual Alternative Minimum Tax and lowered taxes of income from dividends and capital gains. This helped out lots of poor people. It made them poorer. Now the rich, while being able to write-off just about everything except for their investments now were only paying 5 percent tax on those. He also started two big wars and a bunch of little ones no one really talks about. By the time he left office no one really knew how big the federal debt was. Some analysts think it might be about $53 trillion. It doesn’t really matter.

I’m 28.

Now Obama walks in. He wants to spend about $800 billion. Who cares. That’s nothing. He should cut the capital gains tax to a flat 0. That’ll be the only way the Republicans will be happy anyway, right? I mean Reaganomics, Bushanomics, Clintonomics and Bushanomics Part Deux worked really well for us, right? Obamanomics should be about maxing out the American charge card and then flying to Bermuda. We need to start a write-in campaign to convince the President that he needs to remember that he’s a Republican. He needs to save the rich, not everyday workers. He should toss out this Jobs Bill and just let us everyday folks sit and spin. That’s the American way. That’s what the Baby Boomers did. Just remember…they screwed us, why can’t we screw our kids?

I wish my grandparents were here. They were smarter than everyone over 30 right now.

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